A few months ago, I gave y'all some tips about how to survive in Kingston--well Uptown and Upper St Andrew.
Btw if you didn't say "Upper St Andrew" correctly you can quit while you're at it. It's all about the accent. You know like how an alumnus of St Andrew High School for Girls pompously calls the name of the institution?
I'm certain you've been in a predicament lately. The things you use to do such as Miami Foursquare checkins no longer afford you a smile or handshake. They scoff at you right? It's because you're stuck in the past. Luckily you have me on your side. I've come to make your life better.
The trick about the Upt (or the #MoneyTeam) is that they are constantly changing and you have to keep up. The Upper East Side have nothing on them. So some of the markers of status become obsolete very quickly. We can't allow those pedestrians to think they can sit with us. No, absolutely not! Selfies are still a thing but not at Coronation Market. Who uses Foursquare anymore?
1. If you are a soca fan and only patronized Bacchanal events you have no right reading this. Well unless you were traveling to exotic places in Jamaica or you were off the island.
2. Tweet your heart out about things you have absolutely no idea about. If you can read and tweet convincingly you have no need to worry. Wine is a good start.
3. Tutti Fruitti is still a thing but it's a low hanging fruit. Don't forget if it's not on IG you didn't go!
4. Cafe Blue has always been there but it's resurrected. Grab your iPad, tablet or MacBook and get your coffee. While you're at it pop by the cafe at Pegasus
5. You are way behind if you've never been to Regency. Don't let this weekend pass.
6. By now you should have a selfie or pic with a celeb or someone important (selfies are more precious; they're intimate). I hope you were among the chosen few to IG their pic with Tessane during The Voice. Oh, a pic with Kes doesn't count unless it is at Bazodee or similar events. He took a pic with all and sundry at the last Carnival Road March.
7. Do things the masses (read poor people) would do and make a scene about it. Drink a box drink or bag juice, get a box food or something. If gorgeous Lisa Hanna can kick off her shoes to drink a coconut by the roadside anyone can.
8. You need some Bridget's
9. You still need to be a fashionista but it is no longer OK to just talk fashion. They will call you out for that shit.
10. Whatever you do make sure you get invited to an exclusive invite only soiree before summer. Even a media launch will do.
11. Don't use your IG unless you are up to something fancy, at least in your mind.
12. Foodies are still relevant. 689 by Brian Lumley is the chill spot to learn the foodie terms or just check Stephen's food blog. I guarantee you will learn a lot.
13. 5Ks are still in, don't worry.
14. Shop online. It's the thing now. And let everyone know your package is at shipme. Oh don't let them know you can afford to go to New York to shop. Say you just can't be bothered with the hassle at Jamaica Customs and work have you busy.
15. Keep maxing that credit card. I'm assuming you have one to think you should be reading these tips.
16. Keep pretending. That's the crux of it.
Here is a bonus tip: Talk about stocks. You'll leap above all your friends and won't be merely Uptown. You will be on the #MoneyTeam.
Btw if you didn't say "Upper St Andrew" correctly you can quit while you're at it. It's all about the accent. You know like how an alumnus of St Andrew High School for Girls pompously calls the name of the institution?
I'm certain you've been in a predicament lately. The things you use to do such as Miami Foursquare checkins no longer afford you a smile or handshake. They scoff at you right? It's because you're stuck in the past. Luckily you have me on your side. I've come to make your life better.
The trick about the Upt (or the #MoneyTeam) is that they are constantly changing and you have to keep up. The Upper East Side have nothing on them. So some of the markers of status become obsolete very quickly. We can't allow those pedestrians to think they can sit with us. No, absolutely not! Selfies are still a thing but not at Coronation Market. Who uses Foursquare anymore?
1. If you are a soca fan and only patronized Bacchanal events you have no right reading this. Well unless you were traveling to exotic places in Jamaica or you were off the island.
2. Tweet your heart out about things you have absolutely no idea about. If you can read and tweet convincingly you have no need to worry. Wine is a good start.
3. Tutti Fruitti is still a thing but it's a low hanging fruit. Don't forget if it's not on IG you didn't go!
4. Cafe Blue has always been there but it's resurrected. Grab your iPad, tablet or MacBook and get your coffee. While you're at it pop by the cafe at Pegasus
5. You are way behind if you've never been to Regency. Don't let this weekend pass.
6. By now you should have a selfie or pic with a celeb or someone important (selfies are more precious; they're intimate). I hope you were among the chosen few to IG their pic with Tessane during The Voice. Oh, a pic with Kes doesn't count unless it is at Bazodee or similar events. He took a pic with all and sundry at the last Carnival Road March.
7. Do things the masses (read poor people) would do and make a scene about it. Drink a box drink or bag juice, get a box food or something. If gorgeous Lisa Hanna can kick off her shoes to drink a coconut by the roadside anyone can.
8. You need some Bridget's
9. You still need to be a fashionista but it is no longer OK to just talk fashion. They will call you out for that shit.
10. Whatever you do make sure you get invited to an exclusive invite only soiree before summer. Even a media launch will do.
11. Don't use your IG unless you are up to something fancy, at least in your mind.
12. Foodies are still relevant. 689 by Brian Lumley is the chill spot to learn the foodie terms or just check Stephen's food blog. I guarantee you will learn a lot.
13. 5Ks are still in, don't worry.
14. Shop online. It's the thing now. And let everyone know your package is at shipme. Oh don't let them know you can afford to go to New York to shop. Say you just can't be bothered with the hassle at Jamaica Customs and work have you busy.
15. Keep maxing that credit card. I'm assuming you have one to think you should be reading these tips.
16. Keep pretending. That's the crux of it.
Here is a bonus tip: Talk about stocks. You'll leap above all your friends and won't be merely Uptown. You will be on the #MoneyTeam.
I guess there is nothing to write about than this garbage! Sigh. When dud our intellectual class get caught up in trivial matters. It would have best to write an article on hangout spots in Kingston without the ignorance of classism in this article.
ReplyDeleteGo read a sociology book and write a real commentary on how to survive in Kingston.
Sometimes we take life too seriously. Thanks for reading. Clearly, you missed the big joke that is this blog post. It would have been better if you ask for clarity. Peace.
Delete