2014, The Year I Will Live for Myself

People have a tendency of telling others how to live. How to be themselves. How to express their feelings. 

Don't do this. Do that. Don't let others see you cry. Don't let them know you are feeling sad. Don't tell others that you have a disagreement with your family. Don't, Don't Don't, Don't! [Screams]

For a substantial part of my life, I thought this was acceptable. I subscribed to this practice of telling others what to do. I believed those with more experiences are more capable of telling me how I can be me. 

As a consequence, I grew up suppressing me. I grew up rejecting me. I rejected my opinions. It didn't help that I was (often) punished for some of my actions and opinions. I was certain that they--my parents, intimate family and their friends were correct. They knew best how I could be me. I was so inept at recognising this folly. 

As time progressed, I began to question things more... but largely in silence. I thought I was being insolent for wanting to challenge the "wise prescriptions" for my life that others have decided without consulting me. I was forced to become more than one Jaevion (a very challenging thing to do!). I didn't like it but I had no choice but to create multiple personas so everyone, except me, could be content. I had to be someone else at school and someone else at home and church. I didn't realise I was just living for the sake of living the way others deem fit. I didn't realise how much I was hurting myself. I was ridiculously entrapped and there was almost no way out (until I leave for university--the dream of every child). 

I'm thankful I had the opportunity to attend university. It was an important phase of my life. I was far less confined. It was a time to begin to question and challenge myself to be more authentic. I didn't feel pressured to attend church and to pretend that I am a saint of god. I didn't have to fear the scornful faces of others who were so delighted when I made a very poor decision to get baptised at 11 years in July 1999 because I "backslide". I knew deep down at age 11 that I wasn't ready. I've shared the reasons for this decision with some friends over the years. I didn't have to pretend I had no interest in sex. I didn't have to pretend I don't watch pornography (of all sorts) even before going to church on a Sunday morning. I didn't have to pretend that I didn't want to indulge in "worldly" things. At university, I was able to partake in the things I was taught to reject as ungodly and uncouth, including using indecent language and going to parties. 

I felt free. I was becoming me but I was still shackled by all that I accepted over the years. In 2008, I began to accept myself a little more. I thank my friends who helped me. I was embracing me and who I could become. I had this urge to be more honest with myself and with my friends as well as others I interacted with. I was elated. I felt like a slave who had just been freed from years of captivity. 

In 2010, I committed myself to understand and embrace myself some more. I felt that in order to fully embrace who I am, this is as necessary as being honest with myself and others. I have no regrets about doing this. I also decided to distance myself from people and spaces (as best as I can) where I would be forced to deny my authentic self. It has contributed to the person I am today. The person that my mother and father refuse to engage and try to understand. 

In 2013, I became an estranged son to both parents. It started with my father who was in not bashful in being rude when I told him I am gay. I didn't prepare myself for his response. I thought he would understand; that he would be okay with me. He's lived in London forever and I've even sat and watched a documentary about treatment of homosexuals in Africa. He told me to leave he and his family alone. It hurt. Perhaps because I didn't expect it. He visited Jamaica a couple months later to get married and I was never invited. And it seems my (paternal) family didn't even ask why I wasn't there. I imagine they didn't care. I visited London a couple times and through his girlfriend (now wife) tried to get through to him. He maintained that he wants nothing to do with me his eldest and most accomplished child. I can't recall him doing this to my eldest sister in London though he was upset she has two kids already. I thought he might just need some time to come to terms with the fact that his only son is gay. I empathized with him and tried to negotiate on his terms. After all, I didn't come to accept myself overnight. I found him on what's app one day and sent him a message one day last year, hoping that he would be willing to have a conversation. He shocked me again(!), and charged at me with a slew of hateful words. 

My mother already knew that I am gay. And she (supposedly) had no problem but refused to talk about it. I didn't expect her to just delightfully accept everything all at once. So I tried my best to skirt around those "difficult" issues as often as I could. I was again negotiating on my parents' terms. Towards the end of 2013, I challenged her on something she always do--trying to guilt me about coming/going to York Town (where I grew up) and stuff about god. This time I decided that she should be challenged. I'm an adult, I don't need to always suppress everything and not be honest. She has never tried to understand why I refuse to go to my hometown--a place where I have no friends and nothing to do. There are other reasons as well. All that she (and her friends have done) is to suggest I do not know where I am coming from and that I will one day have to return like the Prodigal Son. Apparently, knowing where you are from is only possible by going home every so often. They've also said that I think I am better than people (in York Town) because I live in Kingston and have a degree. WTF!? 

Of course, the whole issue of god has to come into play here because it means I have forgotten all that he has done for me. Yeah, he was there in all the exams holding my hands and telling me what to write. Haha. I had to let her know that she should refrain my doing this and that I no longer believe in the god I grew up with. She was very angry and stopped talking. I made a post that I dislike the fact that conversations with my mother has to be cosmetic to avoid conflicts and that I hate attempts to guilt me into action. People were quick to her defense (without any context). I decided to explain a little and they refused to consider my explanation. They went as far as bringing two unrelated posts to her attention to create their own meaning of what I was saying. What I said didn't look good to them. My mother refuse to accept my explanation. 

I sent my mother a very long message some weeks ago. I was asking her to be more open to conversation and to challenge herself to understand her son and the changes I have been going through. I was most shocked and disappointed in her response. She wanted me to engage on her terms. She didn't want to talk to anyone or read any book to help her. She said she has her Bible for all of that. I told her I wouldn't come to Clarendon to have a conversation that she should make the effort and come to Kingston. She had her excuses and she went on to tell me (again) that I think I am better than people there and clueless about where I am from. Sigh. If you have ever been told this then you would understand how hurtful this is. 

Today, I am still divorced from my family. I won't make anymore effort. I have tried my best. I will allow them to take their time. I am sure their god will tell them the right thing to; hopefully he will do so very soon. I am of course very disappointed with both of them, my mother especially. I am also disappointed with her friends and family who support her resignation to such ignorant way of addressing an issue. 

I know people will be livid that I went as far as writing a blog about this. But why should I be forced to bury every emotion and thought? Why should I pretend I am not human? Why should I do this to myself at all times for the sake of others and their prescriptions for me? I'm almost 28 and I honestly want to enjoy the last two years of my 20s. I want to use the time to create fond memories--to be my best self. To do so, I must challenge myself to reject (within reason) all the ways people have decided I should live. 

Happy New Year everyone. Commit yourself to be honest about how you feel. There is no efficacy to burdening yourself with all the pain to suit the people who have caused you distress.